Mom’s Advice on Parenting Teens
prayed about, experienced by, and written by her
It feels like it’s been a TIME since I’ve written here. Closing out our second school year, illnesses and a newly climbing toddler have left me in a bit of a rut, but another writer here (Elin Petronella) reminded me that sometimes you just need to remember to focus on a creative action instead of a result driven one. So here I am again! Summertime mentality tends to drive me me onto a different creative path so you might find more fun and sunny posts coming.
“First let a little love find entrance into their hearts and the rest will follow.” - St. Philip Neri
After my mom died, my sister found a note in my mom’s phone about parenting teenagers. We have assumed that she had written it because her friends would often reach out to her asking for her advice with their teens. Various people would often comment on my parents’ relationships with my siblings and me as they wondered how they could have that with their own teens. I don’t even know where to begin nor how to explain my relationship with my parents concisely, I honestly feel like her note says it all.
Some might be quick to point out whatever imperfections one can choose to find, but honestly, she lived out every bit of her advice in a loving and God-fearing way. She was such a prayerful person that she took all of this seriously. She openly took joy in us, and our endeavors, and would point out silver linings where she could have easily found otherwise. She was also honest! One thing I particularly appreciated was that she would stay awake late into the evening to play games with us, or listen to our joys and woes, even when she had toddlers and nursing babies.
We have been sending this note out privately over the last year or so, but it was agreed upon that I could be the one to share it publicly now.
Her note below is mostly unaltered and unedited except for my line spacing for more distinction between points, removing a stray parenthesis, and any italics. Feel free to share this with whomever might need it, consider it a gift from her through me to you. As my dad has always reminded me, mothers have one of the most important jobs in the world, if not THE most important one: raising souls.
On Parenting Teens, by Ann Kathryn Cheatham
Make special times for one on one.
Say "I love you".
Step out of your comfort zone and do something you wouldn't normally do. For example, listen to music with them that would be their choice and have fun with them.
Take them shopping and let them pick out the clothes and you now have an opportunity to guide while at the same time giving them some freedom to choose while guiding them to choose wisely. It can be an education in itself to teach them how to sale shop as well.
Be a friend and a parent at the same time.
Go out of your way to show they are special.
Take to morning mass and go for breakfast. Do lunch and have nails done. Something you would not normally do.
Let them listen to music that may not be your style but just train them to look up lyrics. Choose your battles wisely! Same with movies. Always look up the movies! Bend a little...but if there is a moral issue...never bend. Music was a tough one for us. Now it is a big part of our life. We all love listening to music.
Give opportunities for your teen to feel old (and appreciated).
Teach modesty in all forms: dress, conversation, and the way you carry yourself. It is fine to dress with today's fashions/styles just show them how to dress appropriately. There are several modest clothing websites where our girls have bought swim suits and dresses. They even go on these sites for inspiration.
We need to let the teens feel some freedom. If we are overly scrupulous it will be a great detriment to them. Give a little without letting go. Faith is always first! But they still need to develop into the person God intended for them to be. If we watch every move they make this will push them away from us and the faith. It is so beautiful to see them grow and develop when they have some freedom while still clinging to the Faith.
If we educate them to be conscientious about what they listen to, what movies they watch, what books they read, what friends they want to hang out with, etc, all with guidance they will be able to make good decisions. They will have times they fall and those are always great opportunities to learn and grow from. These are the opportunities given to us for further discussion with them. So if they make a mistake or make a bad decision don't chew them out. Ask them what they think they did wrong. Make them be able to think! When they stop to think about these things it is forming them.
Keep open dialogues going where they feel like they can speak without a lecture every time. This is tough but so worth it. Our teens should be able to come to us for anything. We have had numerous opportunities which seemed so tough at the time but we always saw the good that came from those times. I'm not sure there is a teen who doesn't go through an awkward stage. This is normal...the attitude changes, they are trying to figure themselves out as well and this is why it is so important at this stage to be close/be a friend to them.
The key is to keep a good relationship with your child so that they will grow in the faith and not be pushed away. This is only a stage in their life and when they make it through the teen years they will move on to college and have high expectations and want to continue to grow as Catholic Christian. They will be well formed and be able to learn along the way from now on. But they will know the faith is first.
Teach teen to be aware that the little ones are always watching them and that they look up to them. They will feel more conscious and this helps in training the younger ones.
Give them opportunities for them to show you trust them and their judgement. And let them know how proud you are of them.
So incredible!
Thank you for allowing me to hear her voice again. It means so much!! We have all been blessed to know her and we continue to be touched by her.